Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Jonas Bros

Today I went trailing the shadows of the Jonas brothers in their hometown of Wyckoff, NJ. The town seemed very christian, WASPy. Even though I was in New Jersey, I almost felt weird about it. I was going door to door. Most people weren't home. Reminds me of the days I used to peddle wrapping paper or something for school around town. Or the time when for one day I worked on the grassroots level of John Kerry's campaign. I was in some crazy town, Dover New Jersey? One that I had never heard of, knocking on doors and trying to beg for donations to Kerry's campaign. It was grueling and humiliating work and very hot weater. They weren't going to pay me a lot -- thats what it was, I was looking for a worthwhile summer job. Didn't find it there. Anyway, the Jonas brothers. They're 16, 18 and 20. Barely out of high school and these kids are world famous. Also, they are virgins. Those two things seem incredibly incongruous. Their father was a pastor and these adorable dipshits wear chastity rings. How could these guys be heart throbs, set the blooming loins of semi-pubescent girls around the entire world afire and still be virgins? So worldy, so experienced, well-known and rich. But these princes have sworn off pussy. Perhaps that's what elevates them. Maybe thats what actually MAKES them princely. That they've been able to be desirable, irresistibly so, and yet be dispassionate and not need to act on their own desires. Especially ones so vulgar as sexual needs. They are whole and the rest of the world needs them. Perhaps these guys are one of the best metaphors for celebrities as christ figuers we have ever had.


Almost everything seems empty to me, and not worthwhile.

I don’t have the motivation to do anything I used to enjoy. I want to do them – because before they used to bring me peace and pride and purpose – but I can’t get myself there.

I wonder often if I’ll ever return to a productive state, fully engaged in people and the world around me. Now I’m only skimming the surface, complacently assuming the meaning or depth of things I have no intention of really investigating.

As much as I want to have powerful experiences, most of the things I do are bereft. Or I am jaded. Or something. I WANT to be moved. I WANT to be excited, passionate again. But nothing has power for me. Sexual experiences are meaningless and unmoving. My work is boring despite it being “exciting.” Books do not seem worth reading. Basically the only thing that moves me one way or the other are the pangs of rejection.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

over two months, when the hell is someone going to post something?

i cheated. i went tanning today to enhance the beauty and compete with jason. my butt is totally burnt. daddy!